"As any Star Wars fan will tell you there are no two words that cause more fear, dread, terror and base revulsion that 'Christmas Special'... though 'Phantom Menace' sure as hell came close. Oh, and 'JarJar Binks'... what the hell was Lucas on? Anyhow, where was I? Oh yeah, don't Christmas specials stink? Over-long, tired shows where the scriptwriters can get away with being dead lazy 'cos everyone's bloated with turkey and boozed out of their minds. Besides, the viewing public are probably watching all their new DVDs or playing their new computer games... Christmas Specials; a waste of time and a disaster waiting to happen... ... eh? What's this?... ... oh bugger. Well, don't say you haven't been warned! Anyway. it's Xmas Eve here and I'm off to bed with a mug of eggnog and some reading material. See you in the morning...

And that snowy white night, while Toyville's citizens sleep Santy Claus makes his rounds, delivering presents to bring good cheer to one and all upon Christmas morn...

... and especially pleased with this Xmas' haul is Toyville's favourite material girl, Barbie; she's already on the phone to her friends boasting of this year's booty...   "... and a new pony and soft toys and a new scooter and a designer dress and pretty handbags and a new radio/CD player and lots and lots of shoes and a laptop PC and rollerskates and this mobile phone and... and... ooo... what did you get Ken?   "I've just finished unwrapping an Action Man and Max Steel - I'm going to play with them now"   what...? Action Man and Max Steel...? ewwwww, I didn't know you into dolls, how sad!"

"Heh, who said anything about action figures, Barbie?"

"'C'mon Ken, Max and I have just broke open another bottle of baby oil!"   "Yeah! Hey, Kenny, I've got something nice and big here for you to unwrap!"   "Woo hoo! Sorry Barbie, gotta go!"   (see what I said about lazy scriptwriters? Predictable or what?)

Christmas time brings good cheer to all and Santy delivers joy and goodwill throughout Toyville... even to Castle Doom... "Daddy, daddy! Come see what Father Christmas has left us under the Tree!" "QUIET JUNIOR... DOOM HAD TOO MUCH EGGNOG LAST NIGHT AND... WHOA!" "Isn't it great Daddy?"

"... ooooh, look Daddy... Santy also brung me a Red Rider Pump Action BB Gun, Daddy!"   "Be careful with that Junior - make sure you take someone's eye out with it...

* sniff * oh, it's truly just what I always wanted. Oh, it's so wonderful... I'm welling up under this cold steel mask..."       "...the dead carcasses of the Fantastic Four - who could wish for a better Xmas present?"     ... now, Daddy's going to take the still warm body of Susan Richards back to his room; don't disturb me 'til lunchtime, Junior."

Why yes, Santa has certainly done a good job and brought all the pressies people wanted... but as the night went on and jolly old Santa scoffed more mince pies and knocked back more glasses of sherry he became ever jollier, merrier... and a little confused with the presents... and things that were lost are found again...

"Oh cr*p - not you again! I thought I'd chucked you into the fires of Mount Doom!"

"Sheesh, how the hell am I meant to get rid of unwanted presents then? ... still, I guess this means it's another trilogy of sequels; now, where'd I put Pete Jackson's phone number - and this time I want Angelina Jolie as love interest rather than Samwise Gamgee! ... hey, is it just me or has it suddenly gone cold in here? Shut the door would you?"

And as the Ringwraith unwraps and deguts his Christmas present, across town Mr and Mrs Midge are opening their Santa-brought gifts...

"I wonder what's in here... oo-er, it's wriggling...

"Hiya darlin'... fancy some rabbit, eh? eh? Geddit? Want it?"

"Ewwww... This wasn't the kind of Rampant Rabbit I asked Santa for..." "Who cares darlin, at least my batteries don't run down! Eh? Eh? Geddit..."

"What did Santa bring you Alan?" "I got Turtles" "That's nuthin' mate, I got crabs!" "Hey, I think little Ryan asked for those on his wishlist to Santa...

... I bet Ryan got your present didn't he? It's the kind of screwy mixed up thing that happens round here! What was it that we agreed you were going to ask Santa for after I banned you from anymore Sarah Michelle Geller merchandise (and the courts banned you too)? Socks wasn't it?"   "Erm, yeah... socks... "

	And little Ryan wakes to his surprise present...     "Aye Carumba!"
......	"Hello little boy - you must be Alan; let's party!" "Woo hoo! Hello Miss Buffy... ...God bless you Father Christmas! God Bless you everybody! And zzzzz to all a zzzzzMerry Christmazzzzzz..."

"Wuh? Eh? It was all a dream... oooh, I think I had too much eggnog last night - no idea where all the sordid sex bits came from though.

But better write that dream down before I forget it so I can use it for 2004's Toyville Xmas Special! Whoa! Hang on - Santa's been and filled my Xmas Stocking! (Let's hope he's brought me a better plot that this one, eh?)

What the f***; a lump of coal and a tangerine? Awwww, come on Santa; what have I done bad this year... ... oh yeah, all this Toyville stuff... ... wait a moment, there's another present behind the tree... oooo, it's a DVD boxed set; The Laura Gemser Collection? The Cannibal Zombies of the SS Quadriology? Michelle Pfeiffer's Early Stag Films?....

The Management (and certain Lawyers) would like to point out that the divine Ms. Pfeiffer has never made any movies remotely like that - so any perverts out there will just have to keep watching and rewinding over and over that scene in Into The Night. Right, back to the plot...

... I hope it's the Pfeiffer movies, I've almost worn out my umpteenth Into the Night movie (and this one was on DVD too!)... hey... what the...

The Complete Olsen Twins Collection? Who's idea of a sick joke is this?

"Well, if this isn't the suckiest Christmas ever...

"Bah, humbug!...   ... hell, you'd have thought I'd have written myself a better and happier ending that this wouldn't you?   ... unless; who's that in the hallway?"     "Hello Miskatonicnick - we've come to deliver your Christmas cheer!"

"... Christmas cheer and scented massage oils!"

"And I've filled the bath tub with strawberry and vanilla yoghurt - last one in gets a spanking!"

Woo hoo! Well, what do know - Father Christmas *really* does read those letters after all!   Have yourselves a Merry Christmas everybody, everywhere! And all the best for a Happy New Year!   ... I'll be back in 2004... sometime*...       * the authorities, medication and legal actions permitting

you have been suffering through a MiskatonicNick Production with special guest stars Amber Benson, Claudia Black and Michelle Pfeiffer ... with apologies to Amber Benson, Claudia Black and Michelle Pfeiffer