"So... we meet at last, MiskatonicNick...

The dark Jedi steps forward and throws his cloak aside to reveal... "George Lucas!"

...only this time I am the Master!" "Stop that mockery, you freak! How dare you, the creator of Toyville, insult my Star Wars universe..."

"eh? Hey, careful with that lightsabre, George... you could have someone's hand off with that!"

"How? HOW? 'Cos you make it too damned easy too, George! I bought into your universe... I grew up with it... but then you made the prequels, and goddamnit they stunk!" "But Return of the Sith was the best yet..." "Well, it couldn't have been worse than Phantom Menance or Attack of the Clones could it? You devalued everything we geeks believed in... where were the plots? The characters? The drama? The romance? "The strong female characters!"  "Buried lifeless under overblown special effects, innane dialogue, crass marketing and sickening hype!" "SILENCE! No one is allowed to criticise me... "

"Wait, point he has... tired of coporate adverts is Master Yoda..." "What!?!" "Promote crappy fast food, fizzy pop and mobile phones no longer will I. Why aged and wise Jedi Master no able speak proper sentances? Why no Jedi spot youngling Anakin's fondess for villian black clothings? Dead giveaway such things are. And what this midi-chlorians crap is?" "Silence muppet or it's back to the Farscape Universe with you!" "Least Farscape Universe awash is with strong sexy females..."

"And how come us Jedi Masters got our asses handed to us by a bunch of Clone Troopers! These are the guys who grow up to become Storm Troopers... the worst bloody shots in the whole Galaxy... and they bloody slaughtered us!?! What the hell was all that about? It made no damned sense at all!" "Well, at least you got a scene... Lucasfilm is happy to grow fat off my figure sales but I never turned up on screen!" "Heh, think yourself lucky, Barriss!" "Let's see how you like bits of your anatomy cut off, George!" "NOOOOOOOOO!" "Quick, girls... run!" "gee...so that's GI Joe, John Wayne and now Star Wars fans this story has alienated so far... sheesh... is there anyone left?" "Tsk tsk, sarcasm doesn't become you, Pinky - besides, we've got to hurry to beat the twins to the Holy Grail..." "But they've got all the keys and we haven't!"

"Yeah... think yourself very lucky! Damn, I was the baddest ass Jedi who ever wielded a lightsabre... and I got killed off by a moody teenager!"    "ENOUGH! Silence you impudent dogs! I gave you life remember! Now obey me or I'll see it you all get your hands chopped off in the next lot of movies! OBEY ME! DESTROY THE THREAT TO OUR UNIVERSE NOW!" "Yes, obey the Jedi must... ...destroy that which has harmed us the most we will..." "BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "Uhoh..." "Jedi will no mercy show!" "BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" "Kill the Lucas we must!" "BWHAHAHAH... hey... wait... NOOOOOOO! I created you! You can't destroy me!" "Bet on that want you?" "Ah, but I've got a cunning plan..."

"Yeah, I kinda feared you were going to say that!"

Our almost heroic trio run towards the Mystic Wood, where the nefarious duo are wandering lost...

"Damnnit Ashley, haven't we been this way before?" "Sheesh, Mary-Kate! Ok, here you go mister; the Undying Heart, Talisman of Evil and Sword of Power"

"Halt Twins of Olsen... thou cannot venture further without giving the Guardian of the Grail Grate what he seeks..." "Oh, ok... but we'll have to be quick!" "No, yonder tramp, I mean the relics that prove the Grail Seeker's Bravery and Courage!"

"Thank you, True Seekers thou shallst..." "Yeah, yeah... whatever; now where's the Holy Grail?" "Oh, it's over there somewhere" "Yay - thanks Mr Hoodie; c'mon Mary-Kate; first one to the Holy Grail gets to live forever!" "Woohoo! And so does the second too!" "Heheheh... this'll really p*ss that bagheaded freak off!"

The Olsens plough through the forest... until they reach a glowing portal...

... and who the hell are you? We want our Portal back!" "Greetings, Twins of the Olsens - thou canst not pass through until thou hast proved yourselves worthy; to do so you must bring before the Three Quest Items; An Amulet of Evil, The Sword of Power and an Undying Heart..." "Well, duh... we've already given at the door!" "Yeah, that other Guardian back there; the sinister black cloaked one!" "Well, duh right back at thou... this is the Holy Grail we're talking about; why doest thou think it would be guarded by one garbed in Sinister Black?" "What!?! Then who the hell was that?"

"Ohmigod, Mary-Kate... this must be it! The Gateway to the Holy Grail!" "What? NOOOOOO! Where's it gone?...

Who indeed...

"Ahoyhoy all..."   "Greetings, Guardianness... I bring the three offerings you request; the Amulet of Evil, an Undying Heart and The Sword of...

"Welcome, oddly bagged stranger... hark, what relics doest though carry within that strangely sinister black cloak that is stained with the blood of George Lucas?"

"NOOOO! That Bagheaded bastard has shafted us again! It was him in the ****ing black cloak!" "It's not fair! You are so dead you stinking geeky **** ****ing ****hole!"

"Silence, Olsens, for thou art bad losers. But for MiskatonicNick and his two assistants I shallst open the...

... URK!"