"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

Danny Baker

(...cue the crackling of an archive film reel from 1963...)

"Hey there little girls, it's Barbie I wonder what fun adventures she's going to have today?...

...Why look, whatever could this box be that you've found Barbie?"

"gee, I don't know, let's see - it says.... erm... Mudge... Magde... Mjdge... Minge... golly gosh, reading is soooo hard..."

"Hi Barbie!"

.

"Hi... who are you?"

"I'm Midge - I'm your bestest friend (now available at all good toystores)"

"Gee, hi Midge - let's go have some good wholesome gay fun."

"And remember children, if your mommy won't buy you a Midge it means she doesn't love you!"

...

"... but their relationship barely lasted 4 years; for in 1967 Midge Hadley, Barbie's Best Friend, mysteriously disappeared and was never seen again on the toy shelves until 1988.

That seems a mighty strange way to treat an alleged best pal. So what happened? Was it all about marketing stategies, target demographics and the anti-ginger mafia as Mattel claim... or is there another story? A story contained in this top secret file recently liberated from Fortress Mattel... a story I've chosed to call...

... a story that picks up again in 1971...

"Come Barbie, best pal and friend of mine, we'll be late for the jolly prom ball..."

"Screw that Midge, I'm off to Malibu!"

"But what about the prom? We haven't been for a couple of years...

"Yeah, that's 'cos you were cancelled in 1967, Midge! Hasn't anyone told you yet?"

"What!?!"

"See, I'm a cool, happening fashion doll... you're just an outdated frumpy friend..."

"No, say it isn't so, Barbie... we're best chums..."

"Were - you just aren't popular anymore Midge; you're too dull for the 1970's; Mattel have promised me a whole bunch of trendd and mod new best friends!"

*sniff* *sob* "well, see you around sometime..."

"Heh, doubt it, loser - I'm sure there'll still a place for you in a grotty garage sale. Or perhaps Mattel will want to market a dull housewife and mother doll; you'd be perfect for that dreary role!"

*sob*

"Bye bye, Midge - I'm off to become an evermore famous and popular world icon!"

(cue sad violin music)

So, what became of Midge then? I followed the trail to the Clearence Bin Bar in downtown Toyville, the seedy joint where discontinued toys go to drown their sorrows...

"hic, yeah, we remember Midge... the little ginger harlot! She stole my beloved horse from me..."

"Yeah, she stole my bastard son, Kid Action too - but damn she was hot. She'd bang those GI Joes and Megos 'til their elastic broke... and then she'd bang 'em some more.!"

"The amount of stuff the Mattel lawyers had to cover up; remember that orgy with the Planet of the Apes and Mego Monsters? Didn't they have to put down the Wolfman?"

"Nah, they just neutered him. But Midge was rebelling against everything and anything. She did it all; drink, sex, drugs... even solvent abuse which is extra dangerous to us plastic toys! We thought she was going to melt herself away... but then she found herself one of them flaky new-age guru things..."

"Ah,This one long time have I watched; Welcome young Midge... The Force predicted your coming..."

"Eh? What you talking about, Kermit?"

"Master Yoda will teach you all about The Force... for within you young Midge is much power... great Jedi you will become... yes, your destiny is fortold but there is much to learn... now first lesson you must learn..."

 

"... here learn you will the mental and physical disciplines necessary to Jedi become; the Art of Nudie Twister..."

"Master Yoda, why are you polishing your light sabre in your pocket..."

"Quiet young Jedi, concentrate on the Twister Mat... yes... bend over more... yes... ohhhhhhh.... feel the force young Jedi, feel the force....."

And despite of what the gossips said, Yoda did in fact train Midge, molding her from a fashion doll's best friend...

... into a powerful Jedi Knight!

 

 

But then fate takes a hand...

 

"Master Yoda, I have heard from my friends on Planet Mattel... they need my help..."

"Your training is incomplete young Midge, the lure of the Pink Aisle is too strong."

"But I can't abandon my friends, Master Yoda, they need me to save their toyline... I promise I will return and finish what I have begun."

"Hah, Yoda hear that before!"